did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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