the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
