my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
