we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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