before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
