I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
