He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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