Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
