Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
