some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize