im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
