So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
