1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
