my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize