So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
