Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
