I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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