i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
