I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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