i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
