Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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