Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize