i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
