I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
