the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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