"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
