exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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