I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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