The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize