I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
