so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
