I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
