I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
