please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
