I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
