after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
