youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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