I should be sponsored by Trojan
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize