I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my poor anus
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
