He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
