I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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