If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
