I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
