Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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