someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
