Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
