I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
