miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
