Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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