If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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