Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
