Just mADE A PArabola og urine
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
