OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
