While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
