You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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