just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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