If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i think i scared a bird with my dick
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
