Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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